Saving Abel

I first discovered this band on the flatscreen at the pub, on mute. My friend and I, however, were watching the video clip. A generic templated filmclip that seemed to stand out as terribly bad, even for it’s kind. It was then that I realised this was the first band I would deconstruct. It seemed fitting, and after doing some research – I realised I had struck gold.

Here’s what I thought:

We all know that there are those out there who are easily spoon fed this stuff because their passion for it just isn’t there or is very weak. What pisses me off is how they’ve turned general rock and alternative etc into this marketable cartoon product that the kids can digest and the mothers and fathers think its good for the kids cause it’s clean and innocent. Problem: they’re fucking wrong. The content is blatant sexual mediocrity. It’s a Britney Spears or Jessica Simpson with distorted guitars – no more, no less.
 When first listening to these guys – a song called “Addicted” – I get the distinct impression that a producer has run a fine tooth comb over it. The chorus is pathetically weak – a rhyming, blatant attempt to be catchy with subject matter I think this Jared Weaks stole from a teenager girls diary/poem book. Apparantley it took them three months to finish it – fucking weak. No way should a song like this take more than 20 minutes, on a bus – dead. Two or three listens and it will start to irritate you – shame for it’s victims as it’s going to be on the radio a lot somewhere. Poor fuckers.

The song “New Tattoo” is like, if you have heard Nickelback – you have heard these guys. Whilst they are, being brutally honest, better than they it still isn’t enough to give you something to get excited about. More the opposite. It’s a constant dissappointment really. You want to get excited – you want to hear something and be like “FUCK YEAH!” and scream your heart out along with them and get all that emotion and energy and let it swirl around for true appreciation and the mental and physical stimulation it supplies. Instead, you’re left with this dry taste in your mouth thinking ”It’s another one. Another fucking band that’s following this boxed up, packaged business plan that you buy at your local supermarket for $59.95. The DIY Rock Star kit – complete with structure, sound, chords, clothes etc. Helps you identify and persuade a sappy manager to find a sappy label with a sappy producer who knows how to suck any emotion that’s there and make it sound completely artificial.” It’s digestable – but so is McDonalds – so would you rather have a huge burger that’s gonna satisfy you, or something quick and convenient to chew on only for your hunger to return shortly after you’ve swallowed your last bite?

Reading interviews with them was also a great laugh. These guys are the kings of banality. It’s a joke, right? If it’s not then honey, get my gun cause I’ve got some demons to kill. They did it, you know. They said that fucking evil sentence AGAIN! It goes like this “…when we were writing the album, (guitarist) Jason and I basically just wanted to sing about stuff that we knew people had been through and you could relate to…” If you say it in that sarcastic mock tone in your head you will hear what I hear every single time I read this garbage. WRITE ABOUT SOMETHING FROM YOUR FUCKING HEART YOU EVIL COCK BLOWER!

We then come across another little fascinating tidbit, from their myspace page in regards to their other “hit”. It says “…18 Days,” a huge rock ballad dedicated to the troops…” and once again, I flew off the handle. I can’t believe they’ve dedicated this to the troops. It seems so meaningless. What is the point? Is it so they play their song for them over some speaker system in the desert and feel rejuvinated after their slaughter? I doubt it, it’s a fucking LOVE SONG. Soldiers don’t need love – they need guns and prostitutes. I don’t get it. It’s produced sentimentalism, and I guess it’s for those who have hearts and are missing their girls. It’s trying to fucking snag that pro-war, pro-lifer christian majority in big shit America. It’s so bland and lame and uninspiring that if I was a soldier I’d want to transfer my killing over to them.

They call it rock, but there is seriously no rock in these songs. None of it. You can call it rock, but it doesn’t fucking mean it is. I can call Christina Aguilera hard rock but you all know it just isn’t so. You can’t just put a distorted guitar beneath something and call it rock. Rock just isn’t that shallow. Fucking get over it already.

 

divert thine eyes or forever perish in the depth of satans vast rectum

Their clothing style reminds me of Linkin Park – they’re cover is a chicks ass in blue jeans with the band name written in a tramp stamp – the reviews were all 9/10s and high praise standard bullshit reviews they have saved as templates so they can copy and paste it all over the web written by the kind of guy who would suck Satan off to get a VIP pass to a Nickelback concert. Their producer (Skidd Mills) is apparantley “famed” but doesn’t even have a wiki page and only hits 860 odd thousand results when googled.

Their myspace is a marketers wet dream – it has comments like “Thanx for adding me! Rock the world to the bones so loud and hard as you can!! DON’T LET IT DIE, ROCK AND METAL FOREVER!!” – obviously marketed out so they appear to have more “friends” and I mean, if the guy had actually fucking listened to the music he’d probably have realised it was shit. Then again, how can you actually be sure? He could have a totally different interpretation of what metal is – let alone rock. Only thing is – he’d still be fucking wrong. Truth is, these guys totally suck.

In the end though, it’s up to you to decide on what’s good and what’s not. I’m only here to give you an incredibly biased view on terrible music because you agree with me, mostly because I have good taste, and there’s nothing more to be said.

10/10 zeroes for sure.

Peace.

–
DN 09

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